I've been awake since 4:30am. I'm just laying here thinking about how we only have two more days until Gideon's surgery. I have such mixed feelings about the whole thing. While I know it's obviously a necessary thing to do, I wish it wasn't. I mean...yes, his speech is effected, but other than that he can do everything any other 18 month old can do. The thought of putting him through this is breaking my heart.
God has led us to whom I believe is the best cleft surgeon on the planet. We are in great hands and ultimately our sweet boy is in God's capable hands. We have peace in that alone. But its still really scary. Completely new territory here.
This is the big one! He will be having his palate repair, lip adhesion and tubes in his ears. We will be staying overnight for two nights at Hopkins. I'm thankful for that so if there are any complications we will have the help we need, but my gut says he will do best once we are home.
Please pray for our family and especially our sweet Gideon. Pray for the surgeon and his team and a successful surgery, pray that Gideon will wake from surgery to see our faces and be comforted by that, pray for the least amount of pain possible and that he will respond well to the meds, pray for sleep for all of us and PLEASE pray that Gideon allows us to comfort him through his fear and pain. This is such a crucial time for bonding and attachment. Please pray that we instinctually know what Gideon needs to comfort him through this time.
With all of the unknowns of surgery looming around in my head, there's still one more thing that I can't seem to let go of...
His beautiful lips!
To try to describe the devastation I feel over losing his lips is impossible! Those lips are the reason he became ours. He makes my favorite face with those lips. His look of anticipation will never be the same. I kiss him probably at least one hundred times a day. I've been taking tons of pictures and trying to memorize every inch of his face just how God created him.
He is beautiful. He is perfect. He doesn't need to be "fixed" as some people say. I actually asked Ryan if he thought we could leave his lips the way they are and just repair his palate, but I already knew the answer. I will weep on Thursday when I hold him in my arms as we walk to the operating room. I will kiss his lips every chance I get until they tell me its time to go.
And I pray I will forever have that last kiss engrained in my mind!