A Secret No Longer: One Year Later

I have a secret.

I wasn't sure if I'd ever share it out in bloggy world, but I feel like now is the time.

It was written right after Easter just one year ago. It's actually hard to believe it's been that long. I wrote it in a sad sad time in our lives. I didn't share it until now for fear that it could've possibly disrupted our adoption process, but now that we are home with our sweet Gideon I really want to share it. It's long, but I hope you will read it until the end.

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I've sat down so many times to write this post, but it feels almost impossible to put it all into words. So much has happened over the last several months that I haven't been open about for fear that it could possibly disrupt our adoption and just because it's confusing enough in my own brain so I don't quite know if it's all going to make sense written out, but I feel it's time to share now...I'm hoping it will be healing for me to get it out there and maybe helpful to some of you. So here goes....

Back in September, when we decided to move forward with our adoption, we had come to a place of full surrender. We knew God had been putting adoption on our hearts for some time, but it took a couple of years for us to listen. It took a long time, but I was FINALLY at a place where I was so excited about our baby that is waiting for us in China that I don't think I even wanted to be pregnant anymore. I didn't think about it anymore. Pregnancy announcements from friends didn't make me sad anymore. Like I said, complete surrender. That ship had sailed as they say and I was actually okay with it, or so I thought.....

On January 9th, we had more adoption drama so my sister invited us over for dinner so it was one less thing we had to think about. When we walked in, my niece Hazel said to me, "Mesa...what's in your belly?" I said "Nothing!". She said, "Mesa...there's something in your belly." I actually had to lift up my shirt and show her there was nothing in my belly for her to believe me. Silly girl, I thought. Well when we got home, Ryan asked me if I had gotten my period and to be honest, pregnancy was SO FAR off my radar that I wasn't really paying much attention to my cycles. I told him no, but that I'm sure it would be here any day. IN NO WAY did I even think for one second I was pregnant, but I just decided to take one of the last tests I had under my bathroom sink. 

Well, it came up positive instantly! I was in complete shock, not even a smile on my face and I walked into the room Ryan was in and I said, "I think I'm pregnant!" He started smiling from ear to ear and I immediately told him I didn't think it was right and he needed to go to Walgreens to get more. Well, when we got home I didn't have to pee LOL so we decided not to waste a test and to wait until a few hours later to test again. I will never forget that I woke up at 2:17 and Ryan was asleep. I took the test and it instantly came up.....the surprise of a lifetime....

I was PREGNANT!!! 

I walked into the bedroom and Ryan woke up and I just sobbed. And my first reaction through lots and lots of tears and confusion was "But what about our Chinese baby?"! I couldn't help but think, "Ok God...what exactly are you up to here?" What a mix of happy and sad...it was indescribable....our labor of love we had been working so hard for suddenly felt like it was being ripped out from under us, while at the same time....God had blessed us so richly by surprising us with the "impossible"!!! I'll never forget that feeling! It was crazy! I mean, as you can imagine, it came as a complete shock!!! What a blessing to have it happen when you're least expecting it! I was already 5 weeks along when we found out because like I said it was so completely off our radar! It wasn't until after the blood test that I actually believed it!

We went to see our favorite doctor, Dr. Wells. He had been helping us SO MANY times with all of our adoption paperwork. We were just there with him two times that week because of a paperwork screw up so when he saw me walk in he thought I was sick...I said NO, then he thought we needed more paperwork...I said NO....he didn't understand why we were there so I whispered, "I think I'm pregnant." I'll never forget the look on his face as he started cracking up. It was so much fun.

The first time we saw that beautiful blinking heart.

We also had so much fun sharing the exciting news with family and friends. Everyone, who had been praying along with us over these years, seemed to feel like it was their own victory....FINALLY....our prayers were all answered! What a sweet sweet moment. When we told my family, it was all of us together at the same time...every single one of them...my mom, dad, sister, brother in law....all started sobbing...they couldn't believe it either...an indescribable moment that we will NEVER forget!

As you all have probably learned about me by now...I'm a bit of a worrier! So, true to form I had some of that going on. But I did everything in my power to take great care of myself knowing that in turn it was taking care of our little one! I ate all of my fruits and veggies, drank TONS of water...I swear I felt like I could drink the ocean LOL I told myself that nothing I did or didn't do would change the outcome of this pregnancy so I was going to try my hardest to rest in that truth. I don't think I've ever prayed so much in my life! We had a few scares pretty early on....severe cramping in the very beginning, but the ultrasounds showed everything was great! We saw a perfect little heartbeat a few times actually. I remember laying on the ultrasound table just sobbing from the overwhelming feeling of gratefulness I felt when we saw the little blinking heartbeat. It was incredible! I didn't have a ton of symptoms, but I tried to tell myself that after all of this waiting, maybe God was just blessing me with an uneventful, enjoyable pregnancy. Still though, I couldn't shake this nagging feeling that the anxiety I felt was more than what the average pregnant woman felt. It didn't effect me daily, but it was something that was always in the back of my head...instinct, I guess.

The last time we saw their amazing blinking heartbeat.

There are so many details I could share, but I don't feel it would be helpful. I will just say that after a LONG week going in and out of the doctor's office for varying symptoms, our fears were confirmed. For a few days, they still thought everything was going to be okay. We even got to see the heartbeat again and our baby had grown as it should. We must have had a fighter, just like their mommy :) Then a few days later, at almost 9 weeks, our precious little baby went to be with Jesus.  It was one of the saddest moments of my life. This time, as I layed on the ultrasound table, I sobbed again, but for such a different reason. We only knew of our child for a short 5 weeks, but we loved them so much. It's amazing how you can envision their whole life in a matter of five minutes after finding out you're pregnant. It makes the loss you feel in that moment simply overwhelming. You try to keep your hope in tact as they tell you everything looks good, but I just knew. This was confirmation.

The sickest part is they actually send you home from the hospital knowing what is still inside of you ( I can't bring myself to type that reality) and they tell you to wait and call your doctor in the morning. That was rough. Fortunately and unfortunately, they couldn't schedule a D&C until two days from then so everything ended up happening naturally at home. It was a blessing to not have to have surgery, but it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. NO ONE should have to go through what we went through that day and sadly, I know countless others who have, some multiple times. Just. Awful. It's a crazy reality to face that one day you are going in and begging God that they will see a heartbeat and the next day you are going in and begging God that it will just be gone and be over. So so sad! I'll never forget the sweet ultrasound tech who sobbed as we walked out the door. She was so kind and loving to us.

So, do you all remember my "Journey Friend" Julie??? Well there's more to that story too! After all of the things we have done together....we are both twins, we both have hearing loss in our left ears, we met our hubbies at the same time, got engaged two months apart, got married two weeks apart, our Gideon and her Ellie were born one day apart (if you haven't read that story PLEASE go to the link above. It's truly incredible)...well this was the biggest similarity we have EVER had and not exactly one to be celebrated although we are grateful God gave us each other for support... 

We had miscarriages on the SAME.EXACT.DAY. just two years apart. Can you even believe that? On the day Julie was grieving the loss of her little peanut, she was on the phone with me during the most horrific couple of hours of my life helping to talk me through what was going to happen next. She prayed with me as I cried out in pain and her heart ached for our precious children but also rejoiced that they were in heaven together. She helped talk me through the deepest anguish I've ever felt in my life all while she was grieving for her own baby. Needless to say, we will forever have a bond that we will be reminded of every February 6th. I love you Jul! Oh and just so you all know...I have Julie's permission to share this story!

In the days and weeks that followed, our friends and family and especially our church family, showed up for us in a way that we will be forever grateful for. We felt so loved and cared for and lifted up. I don't know how we would have survived without that. I can still sit here and cry when I think about that. It's an amazing feeling to know that the people you love so much love you right back. Our house looked like a floral shop, we had meals brought to us every night to the point where we had to graciously decline offers, and people just came and sat and prayed with us almost every day. What a gift that was!

My sweet husband gifted me with this ring. It is sapphire and diamonds. Sapphire is our little one's birth stone from the month they would've been born. I wear it every day and have it as something to hold close to me to always remember our sweet little one.

So, ever since we have been trying to pick up the pieces and move forward. We never stopped where we were with the adoption process. So, about a week or so after we lost the baby I was ready to jump back in and figure out where we were. This is where I can really see God in this.....

As you all have read over the past few months, we haven't had the smoothest process with our adoption. We've had our social worker/friend resign, we had another social worker not work out (YIKES!), we had the LONGEST home study experience of anyone I've ever heard of, and the list goes on. I won't go into details, but there was some seriously messed up stuff going on in the 5 weeks that I was pregnant. The beautiful part is that I. Didn't. Care. We were in a place filled with such joy that nothing was bothering me. Literally on THE day I got back in contact with our agency, EVERYTHING was back under control and taken care of. I truly feel that God gave us that precious time as the ultimate gift. We, what I really mean is, I could have been filled with anxiety and worry over all of the craziness that was going down with our agency, etc. Instead, WE HAD JOY! LOTS AND LOTS OF JOY!!! Now, does that mean I would choose for all of this to happen instead? Of course not! But I see how God used this painful situation for good!! I am in awe of how He works. Not that I can truly even begin to understand it. But what I do know for sure, is He was literally carrying us through this sad time. Never in my life have I been able to see what I have seen in the midst of a trial. It's always in the looking back that you see Him there, but amazingly, I felt Him through it in a way that only He provides. He held me and comforted me and assured me that everything was going to be okay and I believe Him for that.

Even so, I am human. I have been wrestling with a lot of why questions every since. I don't understand why God would've allowed this to happen. Why, when we were at complete peace feeling we would never have a biological child and walking in complete obedience with His plan for our life, would He shake things up like this?? We do not believe it was a mistake that we got pregnant. We know God planned that little life long before time. I can't stop wondering and trying to figure it all out. Like I said before, I see purpose already. I mean even if I can now relate to so many who have been through this and will hopefully be able to be a source of encouragement in a way I didn't know before, that means something! I will say though....there are times it has felt like a cruel joke if I'm being honest!

But this is where I stop myself.....MY GOD IS NOT CRUEL!  This I know! He is the same today as he was yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. He can use all things for good and he has shown us that already. His ways are not my ways. I understand that, but it doesn't make it any easier to understand why this happened. All I need to know, though, is that He loves us even more than we love our baby! He loves our baby even more than we did! I realize that is hard to believe, but I do believe it to be true. He wants what is best for us. He WILL NOT leave us here. We are sure of this....He has a plan for us that is greater than we could ever plan for ourselves. He has our sweet China baby waiting for us right now and we don't even know who they are yet. His plan for our life has not been thwarted because of this current trial. We have and will remain faithful to the God we love. We trust Him! We wait expectantly of what is to come. At our Easter service, David, our pastor talked about the 3 days of Jesus' death and resurrection. Friday was an awful awful day, Saturday was filled with doubt and worry, but Sunday was God's day...He showed the world that only He is in control. Jesus was risen from the dead. He overcame EVEN death. This is what it's all about and the reason we have HOPE.

OUR SUNDAY IS COMING!

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So there you have it! Brings me to tears, for multiple reasons, reading how I felt just one year ago. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that my reaction to finding out I was pregnant was "What about our Chinese baby?" as I sobbed. It seems surreal that somehow I feel I instinctually knew that Gideon was waiting for us to find him. And the most incredible part is that GOD KNEW! I still don't think it was a mistake or that "that baby wasn't meant for us" as some people have said. Of course that baby was meant for us. It was a life inside of my womb. A life that God made and planned since before time. A life we prayed for for over 3 years. That little life is our baby who is waiting for us in heaven when we will one day meet for the first time. What a beautiful gift that our baby will never know the pain of this world. The only thing they'll ever know is Jesus!

And to think we may have never held our sweet Gideon in our arms had all of that not transpired. What a devastating thought that is. It most likely wouldn't have been him. I can't even imagine not being HIS mama! And with Gideon's first surgery here tomorrow...just one year and one day after that horrible day...my friend Julie said it perfectly...."Such a story of redemption and God making something new....literally!" Couldn't have said it better myself!

It feels so good to not have this be a secret anymore! We love you our sweet angel baby and we can't wait to meet you in Heaven one day! Love, Your mommy and daddy and your big brother, Gideon